Sustainability and the Single Parent

I'm single financially and legally, not emotionally (Love ya Rob! xoxo), which helps. But still, time and money are tighter than they would otherwise be. With joint custody the kids navigate two households and two sets of values. We are not geographically mobile; no moving out to a farm for us anytime soon. In the messiness which comes with co-parenting, our apple cart is overturned with regularity. As a result, like most single parents, I must do what I can with what I have where we are, while keeping it together for myself and the kids.

The joint custody issue I will save for a different time. Today, I'm writing about personal sustainability, taken in the broad sense. We tend to throw the word "sustainable" about while meaning "environmental". But, true sustainability is much broader, and includes our financial viability, our health, relationships and community. Personal sustainability is important for absolutely everyone, and especially for people facing difficult times.

According to the Census Bureau, there were 12.9 million single parents in the U.S. in 2005. In 2004, 32% of births were to unmarried women and 672,000 unmarried grandparents were raising grandchildren. A study at Rutgers University said 37% of children do not grow up with both biological parents. We are single through divorce, choice, and death of a partner. Especially in the early days of being a single parent, the advice to us is consistent:

• Take care of yourself; get enough sleep, eat healthy food, exercise
• Spend time with your children, have fun with them.
  
• Develop a support network
  
• Take time to feel your feelings and process this transition.
• Live within your means, establish a budget and get used to your new financial situation
• Simplify; have realistic expectations for what you can accomplish
• Have something in your life that's just for you; a hobby or other creative outlet, maybe learn a skill you've always wanted to do.
  

Sound familiar Sustainophiles? So much of this is a natural byproduct of a more environmentally friendly lifestyle. Healthy whole organic foods, exercise through people-powered transportation, time with family, building community. Reduced consumption, lowered stress, the fun of learning new/old skills and of nurturing new paradigms.

When I separated in 2001, it wasn't pretty. I had a new job, we were all wrecks, I had just two close friends, my family was a thousand miles away. Our money went for legal fees and to establish a household from scratch. Even going to get the mail out of the box was overwhelming. The environment was not on my mind.

But, there are alot of single parents, so it is important that there be sustainable strategies for people with already full plates and budgets. It's a design problem where the solution is more elegant for the constraints. I can't do things which take big amounts of time at a stretch, or large amounts of cash, but there are lots of things I can do.

We came out of the void one step at a time. Phase one was lots of cuddling on the couch with Harry Potter (plus the kids), trips to Goodwill until our household was functional, time running on trails in nice places, finding single parent friends (turns out everyone's not married after all) and lots of time to myself. But our lives were still far from what might be called "in order".

In Phase two, I learned how to handle the basics, a step on the way to becoming "Momso the Enviro-freak". I'm sure the kids mean that in the best possible way. It's hard to muster concern for the environment if everyone has homework, the house is a mess, there aren't any groceries and the kids need laundry done before school tomorrow. A person only has so much energy. Turns out getting our lives in order was exactly what was needed to support Phase Three, wherein Momso gets obsessed with climate change and self-sufficiency.

These are the Phase Two resources that helped us get it together:

• Flylady. Flylady is a free online support for keeping your life under control, especially your home and other required business of life. The style is down-home and not for everyone, but Flylady taught me how to keep house in little bits of time so I could get back to what I'd rather do.
• Saving Dinner: What's for Dinner? Knowing the answer ahead of time is key to avoiding processed and fast foods. Saving Dinner has free, seasonal, simple menus and shopping lists, including vegetarian and frugal. It's a great way to learn meal planning and basic cooking. Saving Dinner got us out of what the kids remember as my "frozen tacquito phase".
• Getting Things Done and Time Management from the Inside Out: The former taught me how to clear my head of all my competing to-dos so I could concentrate on what to do now. The latter taught me how to keep my deepest priorities moving, and made me realize that sometimes, it's just not all going to get done, and that's all right. I'm still working on that one.

What all of these have in common is that they taught me to plan ahead so I could take care of myself and my family, take little steps on the way to where I want to be, not to be overwhelmed by the magnitude of the task. If my house is organized, I don't buy more stuff because I don't know where the old stuff is. If I do laundry one load a day, I can dry it on the rack. If I plan my meals, I can eat locally and not waste food. If I take small steps towards my dreams, they'll get done. Not to imply that our life is full of perfect order; it's not, and sometimes it gets out of hand. But we know how to get back on track.

Small steps for today are to call my waste company for their giant recycling container, review my seed stock and make up my seed order, and email our rabbit breeder friend to see if she has any baby Angoras.

Everyone has their bag-0-tricks, and I'm always looking for more. What keeps others on track?